I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
