She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
