Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
No subtext here. People are naked.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
