You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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