were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
