And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
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I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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