isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
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i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
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Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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