And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
