I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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