You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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