i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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