GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
