All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
