Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
