U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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