I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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