Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
