U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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