Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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