So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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