don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We had to coat check the pizza.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.