the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
How external is "for external use only"?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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