...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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