i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
