So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
