I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
