he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
