I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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