The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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