So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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