I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
