I think im going to throw up on grandma
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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