A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Text me some of your sweat
Just puked most of my soul out..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
