We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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