Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
