3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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