I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
