I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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