I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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