Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
