My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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