I wish I could teleport
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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