I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
