The maid of honor just puked.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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