i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
