u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
