It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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