the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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