Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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