my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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