How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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