That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i now understand why vodka
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
