AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
