EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
