3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
