Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
