I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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