Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
